Friday, September 17, 2010

The Thing About Pride

Proverbs 16:18, Pride goes before distruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. This post is an exercise in admitting a prideful spirit. Actually I should be even more honest than that and claim that I have a strong dose of pride. So I am confessing. I don't have the kind of pride like Naaman, an Aramean general with leprosy who declared, "I thought he (Eliisha, a prophet) would surely come out to me and stand and call on the name of the Lord his God, wave his hand over the spot and cure me of my leprosy.". No, I don't have that type of arrogant pride at all. Mine more mimics Hezekiah who had a prideful heart and did not respond to the kindness shown him. So I feel compelled to lay it all out on the table and be done with it! This whole ALS thing is totally cramping my style. Not only has it taken away one of my true joys in life, the ability to speak at a race car pace, but it has placed me in a position physically of not being able to do anything I want. I am amazed at how quickly it has sapped me of strength and coordination. Needless to say that means I need help often. ( it pains me so to admit that I am having to force my fingers onto the keys! ). On Monday I had my first appointment at the ALS Center at UAMS and the occupational therapist informed me that I needed to use a walker most all of the time. And he had the audacity to say it in front of Jeff and Rebekah! Of course they were snickering in the background which made this piece of instruction worse! I had already allowed them to bring in our house the kind that has two wheels on the front and most of the time they have two tennis balls on the back. I said no way to the tennis balls even if it meant my wood floors might get scratched. The only tennis balls I wanted were some to cram down their throats ! ( Not really, but the thought came to mind and I thought it was funny!) When the doctor echoed the need for a four wheeled walker with a basket and a seat I thought I would just fall apart! Then we had to talk about the color! For the first time I thought I might want something camouflaged, as if people can't tell something is wrong just by my not so smooth walk! It gets worse. After having birthday lunch on Wednesday with two of my daughters, four nieces, one sister-in-law, one great niece, and my two grandsons I crossed paths with a real grandmother using her walker with tennis balls on the back! The only difference except that my walker didn't have tennis balls on the back was that she was probably in her eighties, had completely gray hair, and was totally wearing a grandma outfit! But now the new, blue walker with four wheels, a seat, and a basket has been delivered to my house. Last week my children, sons-in-law, and one of my nieces met to come up with a plan that would provide some assistance with meals, laundry, and someone to be with me part of the day so Jeff won't worry as much while he is working. Can you believe they didn't invite me to that meeting? I begged to wait awhile longer before we started accepting help but I lost that battle. ( it is really difficult to argue your point when you cant be understood much and can't type as fast as you think! ) I'm sure you can see where this is going with the whole pride thing. The truth is we do need some help occasionally since I cannot begin to operate at normal Nancy capacity. Those cleaning/ cooking fairies haven't found our house yet! And since I have fallen several times I do need to use a walker to do all I can to prevent any possible injury. It's just not an easy thing admitting and giving in to the fact that for the first time I need this kind of help for this type of reason. Except when I had my babies and my mom and dad would come for several days to help and friends would bring food, I have always been on the giving side not the receiving one. I like being able to help others so why is it so hard to admit/accept that I am in a position of needing help? Proverbs 27:1 says, Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth. Nothing could be more true in my life! Last September I was living life never considering that by my next birthday my body could experience such an about face. Never a thought of not being included on the fall schedule for worship team, resigning from work, having to consider how I use my energy for the day, and for sure not needing to consider help from family and friends! Now for a really hard confession. This morning I used my new blue walker with four wheels, a basket and a seat to take my coffee cup back to the kitchen, take birthday cards/presents to my bedroom from being displayed on the kitchen bar, and piled a load of towels on the walker and took to them to the laundry room and started the washing machine. I would not have been able to do that as easily or effienctly without the walker. Ouch, that hurts! I am more thankful and grateful than I have words to express for family and friends willing to do whatever we need to survive this life change. Even if it means going to the degree of admitting a prideful spirit!

9 comments:

  1. You have had the thrill of serving so many of us. I'm reminded of your work preparing for Ike & Alexis' rehearsal dinner. You worked like a trojan all day, all the while grieving privately the loss of Kathleen. NOW, this illness is allowing US to serve you. It is thrilling because we love you so much.
    P.S. I liked the red walker myself!

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  2. It is an honor to serve you---you have certainly served me so many times. Allowing me to help you is a blessing for both of us--- God's grace is passing between us!

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  3. So, now, how can we "spiff-up" this blue walker!!?

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  4. Mrs. Chandler,
    My name is Heather Williams and I am Rick Williams daughter. We were members of Little Rock Church, Im sure you would not remember me but I wanted to let you know what an inspiration you are to me. My dad was diagnosed with Parkinsons disease quite a few years ago ,and he has never wavered in his faith that jesus would take care of him. I for many years have been angry that god has let this happen to someone that I love so much and is so faithful to him.You speak of your walker and pride and it just hit me that my pride is in the way of my dads healing. I have wanted so bad for him to stay the way I have always known him to be that I have refused to accept the difference in his physical and sometimes mental abilities.what you say in your blog is truly an inspiration to so many and even to people like myself who have not had the honor of being on a personal basis with you.I want to thank you for sharing your recent life with us on this blog ,because you have changed my perception of my dads disease and instead of trying to just not talk about it ,I want to embrace it and accept it and live everyday for jesus the best I can!I have often thought I would never know anyone that has been dealt such blows and still had faith stronger than ever and refused to cave to satans temptation to give up than my dad until now . You take the cake lady ,you are amazing! thank you !
    god bless heather

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  5. So awesome to read the blessing God is allowing others to experience through you-and I mean the inspiration you are to the girl who posted before mine, and also the way God is helping you get through this hurdle. People obviously love you so much and are so happy to give back to you, "the giver." Maybe you can find some fancy pink tennis balls or add some "bling" to the walker. :)

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  6. And can just say that I love all your catchy blog post titles??? Such outstanding content too. Thank you for sharing all of this with us.

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  7. I wrote a post earlier this week but something happened in the process of posting...most likely I did something wrong when I got distracted by one of my kiddo's! Anyways, I agree with the above comments...how honored everyone must be to be able to serve you - you're an incredible woman whom we all love...you deserve to be spoiled rotten. :-)

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  8. I know I would have this same struggle if I was in this situation. It is really hard to accept help and admit the need for it. Pride, esp in the context you're refering to is a huge struggle for me and I am blessed by hearing about how you are handling it. You are a beautiful, beautiful woman and I love reading your thoughts. Please keep forcing those fingers on the keys!

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  9. You know I am having to struggle with the same thing as far as having to walk with a walker. I didn't want one like my mother's. Of course, she did not walk with one until she was past 80 and then only when we fussed at her. But here I am 20 years younger and having to use one. Karabeth insists and so does Dr. Houk. He asked me "What would you think if a friend of yours had to use one?" Of course, I would not see the walker only see the friend. He said, "and that is what your friends will see. They will not see the walker, they will only see you." I do see where he was going with this. You and I are still the same on the inside. Our hearts are just the same. The only change is in this outer vessel that lives with us for a while. We will always have the same heart and soul. We will love the same people, hear the same songs, smell the same smells, and dance in our minds. We have indeed had great blessings in the lives we have lived. God has been so good to us. Just keep on sharing your heart with us. It is good for all of us to slow down and take a nice long look at life and all the blessings. You are so special and so loved. Thanks for teaching all of us grace and being the example that you are.

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