The Thing About Pride

Proverbs 16:18, Pride goes before distruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. This post is an exercise in admitting a prideful spirit. Actually I should be even more honest than that and claim that I have a strong dose of pride. So I am confessing. I don't have the kind of pride like Naaman, an Aramean general with leprosy who declared, "I thought he (Eliisha, a prophet) would surely come out to me and stand and call on the name of the Lord his God, wave his hand over the spot and cure me of my leprosy.". No, I don't have that type of arrogant pride at all. Mine more mimics Hezekiah who had a prideful heart and did not respond to the kindness shown him. So I feel compelled to lay it all out on the table and be done with it! This whole ALS thing is totally cramping my style. Not only has it taken away one of my true joys in life, the ability to speak at a race car pace, but it has placed me in a position physically of not being able to do anything I want. I am amazed at how quickly it has sapped me of strength and coordination. Needless to say that means I need help often. ( it pains me so to admit that I am having to force my fingers onto the keys! ). On Monday I had my first appointment at the ALS Center at UAMS and the occupational therapist informed me that I needed to use a walker most all of the time. And he had the audacity to say it in front of Jeff and Rebekah! Of course they were snickering in the background which made this piece of instruction worse! I had already allowed them to bring in our house the kind that has two wheels on the front and most of the time they have two tennis balls on the back. I said no way to the tennis balls even if it meant my wood floors might get scratched. The only tennis balls I wanted were some to cram down their throats ! ( Not really, but the thought came to mind and I thought it was funny!) When the doctor echoed the need for a four wheeled walker with a basket and a seat I thought I would just fall apart! Then we had to talk about the color! For the first time I thought I might want something camouflaged, as if people can't tell something is wrong just by my not so smooth walk! It gets worse. After having birthday lunch on Wednesday with two of my daughters, four nieces, one sister-in-law, one great niece, and my two grandsons I crossed paths with a real grandmother using her walker with tennis balls on the back! The only difference except that my walker didn't have tennis balls on the back was that she was probably in her eighties, had completely gray hair, and was totally wearing a grandma outfit! But now the new, blue walker with four wheels, a seat, and a basket has been delivered to my house. Last week my children, sons-in-law, and one of my nieces met to come up with a plan that would provide some assistance with meals, laundry, and someone to be with me part of the day so Jeff won't worry as much while he is working. Can you believe they didn't invite me to that meeting? I begged to wait awhile longer before we started accepting help but I lost that battle. ( it is really difficult to argue your point when you cant be understood much and can't type as fast as you think! ) I'm sure you can see where this is going with the whole pride thing. The truth is we do need some help occasionally since I cannot begin to operate at normal Nancy capacity. Those cleaning/ cooking fairies haven't found our house yet! And since I have fallen several times I do need to use a walker to do all I can to prevent any possible injury. It's just not an easy thing admitting and giving in to the fact that for the first time I need this kind of help for this type of reason. Except when I had my babies and my mom and dad would come for several days to help and friends would bring food, I have always been on the giving side not the receiving one. I like being able to help others so why is it so hard to admit/accept that I am in a position of needing help? Proverbs 27:1 says, Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth. Nothing could be more true in my life! Last September I was living life never considering that by my next birthday my body could experience such an about face. Never a thought of not being included on the fall schedule for worship team, resigning from work, having to consider how I use my energy for the day, and for sure not needing to consider help from family and friends! Now for a really hard confession. This morning I used my new blue walker with four wheels, a basket and a seat to take my coffee cup back to the kitchen, take birthday cards/presents to my bedroom from being displayed on the kitchen bar, and piled a load of towels on the walker and took to them to the laundry room and started the washing machine. I would not have been able to do that as easily or effienctly without the walker. Ouch, that hurts! I am more thankful and grateful than I have words to express for family and friends willing to do whatever we need to survive this life change. Even if it means going to the degree of admitting a prideful spirit!