Not Always Positive...

The last full day of our trip to Estes Park was picture perfect! We left the lodge early, stopped to get Starbucks, and headed to Rocky Mountain National Park! ( even a morning meant for some back to nature time is better with a tall bold with steamed breve! ). The beautiful day had already drawn long lines of cars at the park entrance but with Winston's newly purchased Golden Park Pass we were able to get ahead of the crowd. Not too far into the park we saw several cars pulled over by the side of the road which meant one thing, wildlife spotted! We could easily see the huge elk not far from the road enjoying his morning feed and wasn't at all bothered by the tourists snapping photos and seeing just how close they could get to this monster buck! What a thrill! We continued to drive to all the places we specifically like to see each visit there and as always the sights were stunning. We stopped and got out of the car again to look closer at a waterfall that turned into a flowing stream over rocks and trees that had fallen. With Jeff and Winston on each side of me, we walked up to a fence to watch and listen to the sights and sounds of nature at its best! In an instant I was overwhelmed with the beauty of the moment, it took my breath away and I burst into tears. In this setting of God's creation I was taken back by the beauty of nature untouched by man, an area landscaped by God. Suddenly my thought process changed to the possibility that I might not see this place again, and worse than that I might not see it through the eyes of Hudson and Hamilton for their first visit here! I already felt robbed that during the summer I wasn't able to play with them in the water like I did with my kids when they were little, that our gardening together consisted of me watching them dig in the dirt as opposed to last summer when Hudson and I planted flowers together, that I have to watch stories on my ipad with them instead of read to them, and worst of all that I can no longer sing to them or with them! Why couldn't this have happened to another " Nan " that didn't really want to be so engaged with her children and grandchildren? I know they are out there, always meeting their grandchildren at Chucky Cheese so their house won't get messed up and they won't have to cook, or going to the movie so they can ease their conscience that are doing something with their grandchildren but don't really have to exert themselves much! The more I thought the louder I wailed and the
madder I became! Why wouldn't the God that created all this for me not want to rescue me from this nightmare that has taken over my
body? I have things I want to do and they don't include building a bigger house or driving a more expensive car or having Botox or a facelift!
( I will admit to coloring my hair! ). Those things have never controlled my life so why start now? One of my dear friends and I use to talk about how we and our husbands could be a four member team in missions after our children were grown. Last summer Jeff and I started "Nan and Papa J Camp" for our grandchildren. We had Hudson spend four days with us and our theme was how God made our food, since Hudson didn't embrace all types of scary veggies. We cooked together and cut out pictures of different foods to eat and learned Genesis 1:12, paraphrased for him to memorize. I envisioned grandchildren counting the days until it was time to fill our house for camp with a scrapbook full of pictures capturing each summer. I imagined a period of life past being a pharma rep just being available to whoever for whatever. And speaking of work, did I say I was finished because I was not ready. I always thought I would get to choose when it was time to step down. I could even handle not being able to speak or sing if I could just have the physical strength and coordination I had before.
Back in the car, I was exhausted from such a roller coaster ride emotionally. Taking in the fresh air as we drove, I pondered how I could
simultaneously experience such opposite emotions, how could my thoughts travel from one extreme to another in an instant and how could I deal with such disappointment if God chooses not to intervene in the way I want Him to? And this was one of those times when even I didn't
want to think of the typical answers we try to tell ourselves like...one day at a time, the best way I can, praying continually, with the help of others, or staying in the Word. This was a time when I allowed myself to be angry, feel sorry for myself and my family/friends, and not try to
determine an answer. This time I allowed myself to feel the full weight of disappointment with no positive come backs. This time I faced the
possibility I have avoided giving in to. How could what started out to be such a great morning turn on me so fast? The answers I know I don't seem to like so much! Ok, enough complaining. Time to move forward with what I can do but reserving the right to revisit the not so positive side if it comes up again.