Monday, December 6, 2010


Webster's definition of the word forsaken is to abandon, to refrain from, to renounce. This evening that word is constantly on my mind. Actually it is more than on my mind, it is how I feel. Not because I was by myself today or this evening, I seldom get to be by myself now. I feel forsaken by God, abandoned, renounced, refrained from by Him. Where is He with regard to what is occurring in my body everyday There are no improvements, nothing is easier. Frankly speaking, every day seems to present new and more difficult challenges. Daily I receive cards, emails, or Facebook messages indicating prayers are being offered on my behalf. Daily someone tells me, " I am praying for you." Daily I experience no positive changes. We may figure out a better, more efficient way to help me up, prop me up, dress me up so I look most like myself, get me up in the car, clean me up, and pick me up when I fall! What works today may not be safe and effective tomorrow because nothing about me is stronger, better, healthier! NOTHING! NOTHING! I am accustomed to scripture flashing across the screen of my mind when I encounter personal, parenting, marriage, or any kind of life challenges that channels my thoughts and actions toward the correct response or approach. This evening the scripture I keep hearing is Jesus crying out, " my God, my God, why have you forsaken me!" In the gospel of Mark, chapter 15, Jesus is on the cross when he experiences this emotion. His mother, brother James, and disciple John were there with him. He was not alone when he expressed this strong declaration. Nor am I void of family and friends fully committed to do whatever is necessary through my terminal digression. A faithful friend initiated a two week prayer and fasting vigil and as much as I believe in the disciplined, sacrificing effort what I experienced during that time was an even deeper decline physically. Today's visit to the ALS Clinic left me facing the reality of this cruel disease with a wheelchair, bi-pap machine, and feeding tube in my immediate future due to less physical strength/balance, decreased respiratory function, and weight loss. ( go figure that I would find myself in a situation where weight loss at the doctor's office isn't a good thing! ). I have lived and taught my children that we make decisions based on what we know, not how we feel. Relying on my feelings with regard to my physical condition will only cause more disappointment and frustration. Although I typically try to look on the bright side to approach my life, today I needed to present a very realistic view to offer fair balance.


  1. Ms. Nancy, my heart breaks for you, daily. I appreciate your openness and honesty more than I can express. Oh how I wish things were different.

  2. Dearest Nancy, This is my first response to your blog; yet it is by far not my first thought. I wake up and go to bed praying for you and your family. And like you, my feelings at times are far from positive and not always so trusting.

    I have always been troubled by what I see as a limited take on the cross. To go to that story and think just in terms of some sort of freedom from sin that gets us to heaven misses something. The something missed is what I read between the lines of your post.

    Somehow, someway, the answer of God to our hurting lives and world is a cross. Yes, I know the Easter story goes further. There is a fact in the resurrection that gives us hope. Yet, still, God does not come to take away all that I want him to take away. There exists a long list of pains I want him to remove. ALS is top on that list now.

    I for sure do not get the lack of response on our terms. He does not heal like I want him to. He did not save his own son and somehow calls on us mortals to trust that a cross is the answer. I can see why some would call the cross foolishness or a stumbling block.

    So, as I hear your words, I and others join in your cry and somehow, so does God.

  3. Nancy, I want to share in person what's happened to me about 3-4 weeks ago. I think it will be encouraging to you. Love you and continue to pray for strength and healing. Gina

  4. As Kristina said "Oh, how we ALL wish things were different." As always, thanks for continuinig to share your thoughts.

  5. You're on my heart daily, Mrs. Nancy. I love you!
    - Lindsey

  6. Oh Nancy. :( I'm just so sorry. Crying and hurting and praying for you, friend.

    Hugs & blessings,

  7. This is heartbreaking, but so well-written Nancy...if I have learned anything from the diagnosis of MS, it is dependence on God and certainly not myself...I feel like HE must walk a little closer with me, and maybe you as you wrestle with and depend on HIM. Praying for you,

  8. I have been praying for you and your family as you travel through ALS. After reading your post about feeling forsaken, I thought of this story, I recently read.
    There was a group of women in a Bible study on the book of Malachi. As they were studying chapter three they came across verse three which says, “He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.” This verse puzzled the women and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.
    One of the women offered to find out about the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study. That week the woman called up a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn’t mention anything about the reason for her interest in silver beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that, in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest so as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot – then she thought again about the verse, that He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver. She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. For if the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, “How do you know when the silver is fully refined?” He smiled at her and answered, “Oh, that’s the easy part — when I see my image reflected in it.”

    Nancy, God has His eye continually on you. He will keep His hand on you and watch over you.
    You are giving Rebekah & Juston, Hamilton and Hudson, Abbey, Joseph & Bethany, Anna Grace a mighty legacy.

    I pray God will overshadow you. May you feel His breath upon you and his tender arms holding you. May you be comforted knowing that He loves you so very much. You are a radiant and bright reflection of your creator.

  9. Dear Nancy, Thank you so much for your honesty & realness. I have ALWAYS liked you for that----though we didn't have lots of conversations, whenever we did, I got a lot out of them. Your crying out reminds me of Job & others in the Bible, & God heard them pleading with Him. We've just got to believe He's hearing you, your family, & all your friends everywhere, the fervent pleas on your behalf, too! We Believe! But, LORD Have Mercy on us in our 'deep valley' of discouragement times!