Monday, December 6, 2010
Webster's definition of the word forsaken is to abandon, to refrain from, to renounce. This evening that word is constantly on my mind. Actually it is more than on my mind, it is how I feel. Not because I was by myself today or this evening, I seldom get to be by myself now. I feel forsaken by God, abandoned, renounced, refrained from by Him. Where is He with regard to what is occurring in my body everyday There are no improvements, nothing is easier. Frankly speaking, every day seems to present new and more difficult challenges. Daily I receive cards, emails, or Facebook messages indicating prayers are being offered on my behalf. Daily someone tells me, " I am praying for you." Daily I experience no positive changes. We may figure out a better, more efficient way to help me up, prop me up, dress me up so I look most like myself, get me up in the car, clean me up, and pick me up when I fall! What works today may not be safe and effective tomorrow because nothing about me is stronger, better, healthier! NOTHING! NOTHING! I am accustomed to scripture flashing across the screen of my mind when I encounter personal, parenting, marriage, or any kind of life challenges that channels my thoughts and actions toward the correct response or approach. This evening the scripture I keep hearing is Jesus crying out, " my God, my God, why have you forsaken me!" In the gospel of Mark, chapter 15, Jesus is on the cross when he experiences this emotion. His mother, brother James, and disciple John were there with him. He was not alone when he expressed this strong declaration. Nor am I void of family and friends fully committed to do whatever is necessary through my terminal digression. A faithful friend initiated a two week prayer and fasting vigil and as much as I believe in the disciplined, sacrificing effort what I experienced during that time was an even deeper decline physically. Today's visit to the ALS Clinic left me facing the reality of this cruel disease with a wheelchair, bi-pap machine, and feeding tube in my immediate future due to less physical strength/balance, decreased respiratory function, and weight loss. ( go figure that I would find myself in a situation where weight loss at the doctor's office isn't a good thing! ). I have lived and taught my children that we make decisions based on what we know, not how we feel. Relying on my feelings with regard to my physical condition will only cause more disappointment and frustration. Although I typically try to look on the bright side to approach my life, today I needed to present a very realistic view to offer fair balance.